As I have began making preparations for my next adventure to Israel I have been struck by how emotional it has been at moments. It will hit me at odd times. Like when I was sorting through ALL of my things to get rid of what I couldn't take or store at my parents house. Some of these things had traveled with me from Kentucky to Florida to Louisiana and to North Carolina. It's not always the "thing" that really matters but the memories attached to it. As I continued to put things in a yard sale bin I felt like my past was going with it. In a small sense it was the reality of leaving it all behind and pressing forward to follow Jesus into this unknown.
It happened again just a few days ago as I was at the airport in Detroit. I was walking down almost the entire length of the A terminal (78 gates...) and I was passing gates with departures to other countries. Usually I don't see the international flights because I'm in a terminal that only has domestic flights. As I walked quietly past a few of them it began to set in that I had just purchased my international flights to and from Tel Aviv. In just a couple of months that will be me sitting at the gate waiting to take a flight that will end up half way across the world. Away from the comfort of what's familiar. Away from the community I've come to love. Away from my family. I suddenly felt vulnerable. Exposed almost. One more reminder that this is really happening. I'm really doing it.
Back to today...
Today I put in my notice at my job that I was quitting. My part time corporate job at a good company that pays me more money than I have any business making with a degree in ministry, will come to an end 3 weeks from today. As I walked out of the office after telling my boss I had that feeling again. It's real. I'm really doing this. There is no turning back. The mixed emotions of being excited and yet thinking I'm completely certifiable for doing this comes in waves. The crashing kind.
I keep asking myself why am I experiencing these difficult emotions. This is what I've been praying for, pleading to the Lord and talking about for YEARS! To finally step out into what God put in my heart long ago is the beginning of God fulfilling this dream. The dream is the exciting part. But letting go sometimes isn't so easy. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. With each step I take to prepare to get back on a plane to Israel I am letting go of another area of stability. I'm leaving it all behind and come back to nothing certain. I will face even more of these moments as I say goodbye to my "family" here in Charlotte in a few weeks. Each step gets a bit harder.
I do find a beauty in it all though. The Lord gives us such grace to do what He has asked. I take comfort in knowing that He knows it's hard sometimes. I don't have to pretend to be super Christian who has it all together all the time. There is freedom in knowing that I can't do it alone but must lean on Jesus with each step forward I take. As I let go of everything I've ever known to lay hold of everything He has for my life I am learning to lean all the more on His stability. When the storm around me rages, He is the calm that keeps me steady. His gaze keeps me moving forward.
If you find it harder than you thought to move forward, just gaze into the eyes of Jesus. His gaze will pull you forward and get you through. He's worth it. He's always worth it. He'll always be worth it. Keep letting go and see what amazing things He will hand you in return.
