The verse that ‘perfect love casts out all fear’ has been swirling around in my mind the last few days. And it’s a reminder that I have yet to grasp this perfect love because I’m nothing but afraid of it right now. When your heart is broken and your spirit is broken... fear “loves” to take advantage of those broken places. It’s so tempting to put up walls. We think that walls keep us “safe.” We think that walls will keep pain out only those same walls serve to keep pain within their confines. So here I sit. Fighting with every ounce of weak courage I can muster to keep from putting up walls. To just go ahead and feel the pain. Then feeling more pain as I give that pain and fear to the Lord. Part of this strange journey is that everything hurts. Everything. His promises hurt. His Word hurts. Praying hurts. But then again, tearing down walls isn’t a gentle process. Sledge hammers, battering rams and wrecking balls are designed to have significant impact. So I have to choose to feel the impact so that when the walls are torn down and all the pain spills out, healing can begin.
I read this quote from Ann Voskamp:
Ridding yourself of self-sufficiency, letting yourself need and opening your hand to receive require vulnerability. And vulnerability is required to love. Vulnerability is required to let yourself be loved. It’s risk. The tension is funny because on one hand, the broken and shattered you is screaming to be loved. On the other hand, the broken and shattered you runs from it because the thought of not being loved back is unbearable. The thought of having an even more broken heart is too much. That causes more brokenness and pain.
The process I’ve been walking through for the last few months has been incredibly painful. Painful in a way that it feels debilitating at times. Painful in a way that if I can make it through the day I count it as a win. I survived. I survived the pain one more day. This is where I have to give up my self-sufficiency, recognize the depth of need I have and open my hand, albeit timidly, to received this perfect love of God. Somewhere along the way my heart lost the concept. My mind knows it. But the 18 inches between my head and my heart may as well be light years apart sometimes. What I’m thankful for in these times and what I remind myself daily is that His love is never going to change. It’s never going to waver. Even in my deepest despair and deepest doubts, His love for me never changes. It will break in eventually and cast out all this fear. The places where I doubt him the most are the places I will continue to seek Him the most. It’s still painful. But one day it won’t be. One day I will no longer fear love the way I do now. One day I will be able to love even stronger than I ever could before this season. And it’s when you’ve had a broken heart and choose to love that you are at your bravest. When you can love despite the pain... that’s when you know it’s real. I continue to love God despite the pain and I continue to love people despite the pain. When He asks me to love I have to believe that even my weak “yes” is still powerful in His eyes and in His hands. So is yours. So take heart.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
A beautiful song to accompany this blog: Killing Me With Mercy
