Confessions of the Not so Brave...

Tonight as I was doing some study on Passover (it begins tomorrow) and getting some thoughts together to post a video blog regarding this holiday I found myself extremely distracted with other thoughts.  Thoughts of Israel.  That ever present ache in my heart for that nation and the people of that nation.  It's always there but sometimes it just seems to hit me like a ton of bricks... out of no where.  As my heart aches to be back in the Land I am confronted with my own frailty and weakness as I often am when I am longing to be back in Israel and not having any guarantee as to when that will happen.  I have the dream of being back; the hope of being back; the need to be back.  The only assurance that I have is that I am called to be there and that assures me that God will make a way.  The "when" is the hard part for me.

Sometimes I think people out there (no one specific, just "people") see me as brave or something.  Brave because I've decided to go live in a Middle Eastern country.  Brave because I've decided to leave this country with relative comfort and safety for a country that lives in constant tension with the threat of war always looming.  The truth is... I'm not so brave.  Not in and of myself.  It's nights like tonight when my heart is aching so much that all my weaknesses and frailties are before me.  All the questions that I dare not bring to the surface because, after all, if I acknowledge them what would people say?  Would I seem as if I don't have any faith?  Maybe.  But as I have gotten older I have become more and more real with myself.  I've become more real with my emotions.  I decided that there isn't much sense in pretending that I don't feel a certain way or that a certain fear doesn't exist.  Refusing to acknowledge something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  As I begin to acknowledge these emotions and fears with the Lord I am able to deal with them.  Dealing with them brings victory over them.

Here is my confessional as I deal with the emotions, fears and weaknesses tonight.  I do get scared.  Scared that I won't make my goal of leaving for Israel in the fall and thus losing the momentum I had coming off my summer in Jerusalem.  Scared that no one will be interested and no one will respond to my inquiries.  Scared of attending yet another FI conference not being anywhere close to buying a plane ticket.  Scared of not getting the support.  Scared of just simply being inadequate for this assignment.  Along with the fears comes some of the most lonely times I've ever experienced.  I'm surrounded by people and yet I'm terribly alone.  When the ache in my heart deepens these are the fears and the thoughts that I battle.

And yet... I hang on to hope.  I hope against hope.  It doesn't matter how many years this journey takes, I will hang on until I see it through.  There is no turning back or giving up.  I burned those bridges.  There is no looking back.  I recognize my weakness and then like Paul I boast in my weakness because when I am weak, He is strong.  That is my story.  In all of my weakness, and I am a terribly weak person in the natural, He is strong.  It is His strength that keeps me going.  It is His strength that keeps me from giving up.  It is His strength that gives me the ability to hope against hope.  He knows every single fiber of my being inside and out.  He believes in me enough to give me this assignment.  How can I go back?  How can I say no?  How can I give up?  When I work through this process, let go of the fears and the emotions that do not line up with the Word, it is then that divine perseverance takes over.  I rest in the dogged determination that I will fulfill the call of God on my life and that He will make it happen in His timing.  Until then, hear I sit in my bedroom in Matthews, North Carolina aching more deeply than words can express for a nation and a people who desperately need to know their Messiah.

Just Some Late Night Randomness..

Tonight I was thinking about how blessed I am.  I just filed my taxes (yes, even after filing taxes I can still feel like a blessed woman surprisingly!) and as I looked around my bed, that often serves as my desk, I noticed the various different Apple devices that I have purchased in the last year.  I began to think about how the Lord had really provided for me to be able to purchase these items that normally wouldn't have been able to purchase.  But through one way or another He provided the extra funds to purchase them.  I began to think about how I've wanted an iPad and a MacBook for years (yes, I do realize that this is a first world problem/desire) and when I least expected it I now have those items.  But then I began to think about what other people desire or dream of having in other nations and I am once again humbled.  There are people who just want to be able to have clean water.  Some food.  Others would like the peace of mind of being able to go a day without the looming threat of rocket attacks or bombs.  Simply having a place to sleep.  And the list goes on an on.  Suddenly I am humbled and it puts my life into perspective.  How many of us have wondered, "Why was I born in America and not in some third world country?"  I have many times.  Almost immediately after pondering that question I am struck with a sense of responsibility.  To whom much is given, much is required.  It's part of the reason that I have this resounding "go" in my spirit.  It's why I must go.  I'm not blessed simply to enjoy my life for myself but to enjoy my life by giving back to others.  It's to share Jesus and show His love to those in desperate need of Him.

I think that the catchy little phrase that is often said in Christian circles, "You're blessed to be a blessing," is true however I don't think that it goes far enough.  I think it falls much short of what we are truly called to do as believers and that is to lay our lives down.  Jesus was certainly blessed but He did more than just be a blessing to people, He laid His life down in every way possible by serving people and certainly by physically laying His life down.  Perhaps a better phrase (but it likely wouldn't be as popular) would be, "You're blessed to lay your life down."  You're blessed to be a blessing has this happy undertone.  It's very feel good and happy.  At least to me.  But in reality when we are truly serving people and laying down our lives there is an aspect of deep fulfillment but there are also moments of pain.  There's a bit of struggle at times.  But that is real.  It's the road less traveled.  When you look down that path it has some narrow dusty roads that may have overgrown thickets.  It doesn't look pretty but the end result is well worth the journey.  And along the way while we are blessing others by laying our lives down we emerge from the end of that journey a stronger more beautiful person.  It's the road I choose.  Because greater love has no man than this but to lay his life down for his friends.