I had a forced “retreat” this week after throwing out my back... again. When you aren’t very mobile and laying down is the only position that keeps away some of the pain, it definitely gives you time to reflect. I would much rather spend it outside in nature with my camera or journaling, but you have to play with the cards that you’re dealt. I spent time alone in bed to reflect on life and all the changes I’m about to experience. Life for me is very much in transition. One is a transition that I’ve prayed for, for more years than I care to count. That transition is from single to married! It’s exciting and a real answer to prayer. As we are preparing for marriage, going through premarital counseling, and planning for the merger of both of our lives, my mind has been on what it means to be a good wife. Proverbs 31 is, of course, a great starting place when I look at how I want to be as a wife. I was meditating specifically on verse 11 that says, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” How can I add value to our marriage and to his life? We have entrusted our hearts to each other and I want to make sure that I steward that responsibility in the best possible way. The obvious things come to mind— love, trust, honesty, patience, understanding, long suffering, and really, all the fruits of the Spirit. But what does that look like practically on a day-to-day basis? I was oddly enough, reminded of the principles in a book that tells the story of a Seattle fish market called, Fish! A Remarkable Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results, by Stephen C. Lundin, Harry Paul, and John Christensen. It was certainly not where I thought my mind would go in terms of how I can add value to our marriage, as it has a more business mindset, and yet, the principles seemed to have good application. The first principle is to choose your attitude. This one can be hard for me because I am a FEELER! It is so easy for my attitude to shift with my feelings in the moment. It’s been a long journey of being intentional about not allowing my feelings to dictate my attitude. I’ve never loved the phrase, “Happy wife, happy life,” because the subtext seems to say that there is no responsibility on my role as the wife to make sure I’m cultivating an environment where my husband can also be happy without him doing everything I want. I don’t believe this idea to be so! Both of our attitudes will set the tone for our home. I want to make sure that my attitude stays positive not only for myself, but for him. His job is stressful and if he comes home to a bad attitude from me, it’s going to be much harder to pull ourselves out of that ditch. We are better together and better when we are working together. Our marriage has value and my desire is for our marriage to be one that properly represents God’s heart to those around us. I want those around us to see us as #relationshipgoals. And our attitudes will have a direct impact on how that plays out. The second principle is play. We both love how playful we both are. Neither one of us are afraid to be childlike in life and toward each other. Life is more fun when you know how to have fun. Over the course of our relationship and our conversations, we both want to maintain the playfulness we bring to each other. Life is hard enough on its own. We started dating just before COVID shutdowns so most of our relationship was built during the quarantine and although we couldn’t go on “normal” dates, we still used the time to get to know each other by getting creative. And it worked! I want to maintain the playful nature of our relationship, even when life gets tough. The third principle is make their day. If I can find little ways to make his day, wow! I know that he does that for me every day and it makes such a difference. I know that he loves me, he is thinking about me and of me, and he just cares when I get a quick text telling me he loves me, or he cooks for me, or he knows how I like my coffee. What that does to help my mood and sometimes get through tough parts of my day is important. I appreciate that it comes natural for both of us right now, but I want to continue putting in the work to maintain this habit. I know that marriage takes work, and I think that it’s often when these little things get neglected that attitudes can change. The small every day ways that I can show him I care, will make his day. He will know that I’m there to support him. We face the world together! The fourth principle is to be present. This one is crucial. It is so easy to get distracted by phones or television. It’s easy to get distracted by tasks that have to get done... you know, adulting... so being present takes being intentional. This principle is a strength that we have now and one I want to continue strengthening. We both have busy schedules but make sure that we are present with each other in the evenings. We have talked about cooking together as a way of staying connected in the evenings once we are married. We spend the weekends taking walks, enjoying parts of the city that are open, planning our future, and building community. In all these things, we are present and the way in which it has brought as closer is something I want to continue. In all of these areas, the key is to be intentional. I’m admittedly bad at being intentional, especially when I don’t “feel” like it, but I’m never sorry when I put in the work. Thankfully, most of it doesn’t feel like work at all. Because both of us come from broken homes, it’s even more important to us that we make sure we build a strong foundation for our marriage. We want to glorify God in the midst of it and we want to advance His Kingdom even more together than we could apart. These simple principles, from a very unexpected resource, can help us have the kind of marriage we both desire.
