Confessions of the Not so Brave...

Tonight as I was doing some study on Passover (it begins tomorrow) and getting some thoughts together to post a video blog regarding this holiday I found myself extremely distracted with other thoughts.  Thoughts of Israel.  That ever present ache in my heart for that nation and the people of that nation.  It's always there but sometimes it just seems to hit me like a ton of bricks... out of no where.  As my heart aches to be back in the Land I am confronted with my own frailty and weakness as I often am when I am longing to be back in Israel and not having any guarantee as to when that will happen.  I have the dream of being back; the hope of being back; the need to be back.  The only assurance that I have is that I am called to be there and that assures me that God will make a way.  The "when" is the hard part for me.

Sometimes I think people out there (no one specific, just "people") see me as brave or something.  Brave because I've decided to go live in a Middle Eastern country.  Brave because I've decided to leave this country with relative comfort and safety for a country that lives in constant tension with the threat of war always looming.  The truth is... I'm not so brave.  Not in and of myself.  It's nights like tonight when my heart is aching so much that all my weaknesses and frailties are before me.  All the questions that I dare not bring to the surface because, after all, if I acknowledge them what would people say?  Would I seem as if I don't have any faith?  Maybe.  But as I have gotten older I have become more and more real with myself.  I've become more real with my emotions.  I decided that there isn't much sense in pretending that I don't feel a certain way or that a certain fear doesn't exist.  Refusing to acknowledge something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  As I begin to acknowledge these emotions and fears with the Lord I am able to deal with them.  Dealing with them brings victory over them.

Here is my confessional as I deal with the emotions, fears and weaknesses tonight.  I do get scared.  Scared that I won't make my goal of leaving for Israel in the fall and thus losing the momentum I had coming off my summer in Jerusalem.  Scared that no one will be interested and no one will respond to my inquiries.  Scared of attending yet another FI conference not being anywhere close to buying a plane ticket.  Scared of not getting the support.  Scared of just simply being inadequate for this assignment.  Along with the fears comes some of the most lonely times I've ever experienced.  I'm surrounded by people and yet I'm terribly alone.  When the ache in my heart deepens these are the fears and the thoughts that I battle.

And yet... I hang on to hope.  I hope against hope.  It doesn't matter how many years this journey takes, I will hang on until I see it through.  There is no turning back or giving up.  I burned those bridges.  There is no looking back.  I recognize my weakness and then like Paul I boast in my weakness because when I am weak, He is strong.  That is my story.  In all of my weakness, and I am a terribly weak person in the natural, He is strong.  It is His strength that keeps me going.  It is His strength that keeps me from giving up.  It is His strength that gives me the ability to hope against hope.  He knows every single fiber of my being inside and out.  He believes in me enough to give me this assignment.  How can I go back?  How can I say no?  How can I give up?  When I work through this process, let go of the fears and the emotions that do not line up with the Word, it is then that divine perseverance takes over.  I rest in the dogged determination that I will fulfill the call of God on my life and that He will make it happen in His timing.  Until then, hear I sit in my bedroom in Matthews, North Carolina aching more deeply than words can express for a nation and a people who desperately need to know their Messiah.

Just Some Late Night Randomness..

Tonight I was thinking about how blessed I am.  I just filed my taxes (yes, even after filing taxes I can still feel like a blessed woman surprisingly!) and as I looked around my bed, that often serves as my desk, I noticed the various different Apple devices that I have purchased in the last year.  I began to think about how the Lord had really provided for me to be able to purchase these items that normally wouldn't have been able to purchase.  But through one way or another He provided the extra funds to purchase them.  I began to think about how I've wanted an iPad and a MacBook for years (yes, I do realize that this is a first world problem/desire) and when I least expected it I now have those items.  But then I began to think about what other people desire or dream of having in other nations and I am once again humbled.  There are people who just want to be able to have clean water.  Some food.  Others would like the peace of mind of being able to go a day without the looming threat of rocket attacks or bombs.  Simply having a place to sleep.  And the list goes on an on.  Suddenly I am humbled and it puts my life into perspective.  How many of us have wondered, "Why was I born in America and not in some third world country?"  I have many times.  Almost immediately after pondering that question I am struck with a sense of responsibility.  To whom much is given, much is required.  It's part of the reason that I have this resounding "go" in my spirit.  It's why I must go.  I'm not blessed simply to enjoy my life for myself but to enjoy my life by giving back to others.  It's to share Jesus and show His love to those in desperate need of Him.

I think that the catchy little phrase that is often said in Christian circles, "You're blessed to be a blessing," is true however I don't think that it goes far enough.  I think it falls much short of what we are truly called to do as believers and that is to lay our lives down.  Jesus was certainly blessed but He did more than just be a blessing to people, He laid His life down in every way possible by serving people and certainly by physically laying His life down.  Perhaps a better phrase (but it likely wouldn't be as popular) would be, "You're blessed to lay your life down."  You're blessed to be a blessing has this happy undertone.  It's very feel good and happy.  At least to me.  But in reality when we are truly serving people and laying down our lives there is an aspect of deep fulfillment but there are also moments of pain.  There's a bit of struggle at times.  But that is real.  It's the road less traveled.  When you look down that path it has some narrow dusty roads that may have overgrown thickets.  It doesn't look pretty but the end result is well worth the journey.  And along the way while we are blessing others by laying our lives down we emerge from the end of that journey a stronger more beautiful person.  It's the road I choose.  Because greater love has no man than this but to lay his life down for his friends.

Remembering...

Remember.  It is the word that has been in my spirit the past week.  You see, this week we lost and heaven gained a real general of the faith.  Steve Hill, the evangelist of the Brownsville Revival, had a major impact on millions of people including myself.  In 1997 the Brownsville Revival was in full swing.  At the time I had no desire to spend my time in Florida at a church when the beach was calling.  Plus, these people were weird.  They enjoyed church and they would dance, clap their hands, and look happy.  I thought church was supposed to be boring.  But nevertheless here I was in Pensacola on a family vacation attending this revival.  I decided that I could get through a few services and then it was on to Tampa where I could really enjoy myself.  Plus, I was determined to use the beach as an excuse to get out of as many church activities as possible (that only happened once…).  As it would happen my family was able to meet Steve Hill before one of the services.  My sister was ecstatic and in my mind I was thinking, “Who is this joker? What’s so special about this guy?”  For whatever reason, I decided to join in the picture with Steve and my sister before we left the room (it is a picture that I now treasure).  Within a couple days of that meeting Steve’s fiery preaching had brought such conviction of the Spirit that I knew I had to get my life right with God.  I thought I was a Christian.  I thought I was living the way a Christian lives but I was exposed.  I was in sin.  I didn’t know this Jesus I professed to serve.  He wasn’t real to me and I knew that if I didn’t get my life right in that environment I would never do it.  Steve’s message was titled A Taste for God.  I didn’t have one but in those 30-45 minutes in which he preached that hunger for God that is deep inside each and every person was awakened inside of me.  Steve made a statement right before giving the altar call saying, “Some of you have traveled 3,000 miles, don’t not come the last 30 feet.”  We had not come quite that distance (only about 600-700 miles) but I couldn’t resist the Spirit drawing me any longer.  So I, along with several hundred other people, came and knelt down wherever there was a piece of empty carpet.  I wept in deep repentance and when I got up off the floor that night I had no clue how much God had and would change my life.  It was October 29, 1997.  I cut my spiritual teeth on Steve’s preaching in those early days following that fateful night and his passion for the lost and love for Jesus was more than I had ever seen in a person.  His passion for revival was contagious and I made many trips back to Pensacola before eventually moving there in January of 2003 to attend college at Brownsville Revival School of Ministry.  Steve Hill had left Pensacola 3 years earlier but was a frequent guest.  I cannot not accurately put into the words the affect that Steve Hill had on my life.

Me, Steve and my sister before a revival service - October 1997

As I have been seeing all the tributes to Steve, all the pictures from the revival and all the old revival videos being posted on Facebook we as a community, those of us who were touched and changed by the Brownsville Revival, are grieving and remembering together.  Several years ago soon after I left Pensacola there were some people who encouraged me (and a few others probably) to forget the past.  I was even looked at as living in the past if I talked about or mentioned revival/BRSM.  The attitude seemed to be the past is dead, revival is dead, BRSM is dead, move on.  You don’t want to live in the past or else you’ll miss what God has for you.  Although I do see their point and I believe these people were well intentioned I was never willing to forget my past or believe that it was dead.  Revival wasn’t dead because it still lives inside of me and countless others around the world.  

Remembering is not a bad thing.  In fact, God instructs the Israelites to remember what He did for them!  To this day Jewish people still celebrate the Feasts that God instructed them to thousands of years ago to remember what He did for them!  The Bible, the Book in which we as believers live our lives by, is full of remembrance!  By reading it daily we are remembering what God did for those who went before us as an assurance of what He will continue to do!  We remember His promises.  We remember His goodness.  We remember His faithfulness.  We remember His mercy.  We remember His holiness.  Whenever we take communion we do it in REMEMBERANCE of Jesus and what He did for us!  We REMEMBER!  In fact, whenever the Israelites failed to remember what God had done for them they got into trouble (see Judges).  For those of us that were touched by revival we can’t forget because it ruined us.  It ruined us from ever being able to be satisfied with church as usual.  It ruined us from ever being able to live life “normally.”  We had been touched by God Himself in unexplainable ways that went to depths many of us didn’t know existed.  We who were cold and dead were set ablaze by His holy fire.  And it was glorious!  How could we forget?!  And the amazing thing about this phenomenon was that the more He showed up in our lives the more we wanted; the more we NEEDED!  How many of us soaked the carpets of Brownsville and “the Orange” with our tears?  There were tears of desperation to know Him more, to see His face and to love Him deeper.  Tears as we felt His heart for those who were lost.  Tears for nations as He birthed missions callings in the hearts of many who are serving around the world to this day.  What we experienced was not a special brand of Christianity; it was the expression of authentic Christianity.

Dr. Brown and John Kilpatrick

Brownsville helped cultivate a love for Israel

Brownsville Revival

As we remember all that God did in those revival days I think I can safely say that none of us have a desire to go back to those days but we want more!  There is still a faint yellow line spray painted on the sidewalk in front of Brownsville from revival days.  Behind the line are the words “Line Starts Here.”  It was put there to help with the crowds of people lining up each night to get into the services.  Almost 20 years after the Brownsville Revival began (I can’t believe it’s been that long!) I can honestly say, and I think I could speak for many others, that for us Brownsville is where the line started.  We love the memories we have but of course the cry of our heart is still, “We’ve got to have more!”  We remember because it helps to fuel the fire in our hearts that we have only just begun to tap into the depths of God and what He wants to do on the earth.  So as we remember the legacy that Steve Hill leaves, with his passion for souls, His unwavering conviction to live each day for eternity, His uncompromising preaching of the Gospel, we also remember what God did in our lives during those days only to pour more fuel on the fire that was deposited in our hearts all those years ago.  May we never forget!  And may the fire in our hearts stir so we can help ignite the fire in those around us as we live each day in light of eternity!

Desperate to see the lost come to Jesus

Altar Call

PS: For anyone who would like to view the memorial service for Steve Hill you can view it on youtube at the following link Steve Hill Memorial Service

That Moment When Reality Hits

I have been in Israel for 2 weeks now.  This hardly makes me an expert at living overseas, adjusting to a new culture or anything of that nature but I did have a moment when reality hit me this week.  You know how you know something but you really don't KNOW it because you have experienced it yet?  That's been my week.

Most of you know that I became an incubus of viral plague in the middle of the week with some type of stomach virus.  I can honestly say that I don't recall ever being as sick as I was with that stomach virus.  I was up for almost 48 hours straight and literally moved into the bathroom the second night.  In the middle of the night that second night as I was dealing with all this pain I was struck with a real sense of reality.  When it hit it sounded something like this in my head, "Oh crap, I'm sick and I'm in a foreign country."  This means there are no 24 hour Walmarts, CVS' or Walgreens to get an OTC medicine to help relieve symptoms.  Nope.  Just me, the porcelain throne, the bathtub serving as a temporary bed and lots of prayers (I was told there were some 300 people praying for me after the prayer request was sent out to Frank and Carol's prayer partners, the Kehilat here, my facebook posts, etc). 

In between the more intense stomach pains and the less intense stomach pains I started to gain a new appreciation for what many of my friends and FI family have already experienced when they moved to the country with which God burdened their hearts.  I've never thought that this would be an easy walk... especially being in Israel and all the added dynamics I've been told (or warned?) about.  But there was an element, you know, that whole lack of experience thing that kept me from fully understanding the sacrifice it takes to be obedient to God.  I know that I will have to pay my dues and I have a lot of learning ahead of me but I can safely say that I have had a reality check.

So... back to that reality check.  As I am trying to just make it through until the next morning when I could get some medicine or maybe call a doctor I start to think about all the other servants of God serving on the foreign field that have experienced this same thing.  The comforts and conveniences of America were left behind for strange languages, strange medicines, and well, everything foreign.  Who knows what kind of medicine I'm taking.  The box is in Hebrew, Arabic and Russian.  I'm 0 for 3 on those languages.  But at least it came in a box which is more than other people could say in other nations!  Then the thought came to me that thank God I have an indoor bathroom with working plumbing (and that this didn't start 1 day before when the water to the village was shut off for pipe work with that announcement being made for several days by a guy driving around with a megaphone but if you don't understand the language it's easy to miss that memo).  I could be dealing with nothing but a hole in the ground or the floor. 

Then I went a little further and I began to think about all those who are currently in a jail somewhere being persecuted for their faith.  These people won't get medical treatment if they are sick, they won't have anything that could help ease their pain.  All they have is the prayers of the saints.  Reality check.  All this has made me appreciate all those people that I know who gave up the comforts of their home country, all that was familiar to them to serve a people in another country.  The next time I hear of a prayer request from one of them I will pray harder because now I have a little taste of what it feels like.  Albeit tiny, but that was enough.

I even had a greater understanding when I recently read one new mother venting because she wasn't able to get the things she really wanted to make her daughters first birthday as special as she wanted.  This wasn't anything earth shattering or life threatening but another reminder of daily picking up your cross to follow Him.  It's daily dying to your own desires to love the people He has sent you to even when they don't love you back.  Dealing with the frustration of not being able to read street signs, or store signs, or know how much you just paid for something at a grocery store (that was a grocery store right?).  Dealing with driving habits, or lack there of, and attitudes and cultural nuances that seem insane (why are the light switches on the outside of a room and why is there no plug socket in the bathroom?!).  Trying to find a new normal when there is NOTHING normal around you.  And yet, we continue to do it because we are compelled by a Love that is greater than us and because there joy in the midst of obedience even when it's difficult.  It truly is an amazing phenomenon that God does in our hearts isn't it? 

So far this experience has shown me how weak I am and how much I need the Lord.  It's a scarier feeling that I thought it would be however when I'm weak that is when He is strong.  I'm still in a relative comfort zone.  I'm with people I know who have been wonderful hosts who can take me around, explain certain things, go with me to stores, etc.  About a week from now when I head to Jerusalem that may not be the case and I will be shoved "out of the nest" so to speak.  But I'm determined.  Determined to continue pressing on and knowing that I will experience MANY more of these reality checks especially when I move here.  His grace is sufficient and so on we go because turning back isn't an option.  Those bridges were burned long ago with that one simple answer to His call, "Yes."

Bathtub bed... one day I'll laugh about this experience... I hope!

Medicine given by the pharmacy

First Week in Israel

I've been here for a little over a week and thought I would give a few observations.  Israel is the most unique place on the the planet.  Although I've only visited a handful of other countries I don't think there is any other place that could change my mind.  If you've been here you will know what I mean.  You are surrounded by ancient ruins that are thousands of years old.  This whole country is practically a museum that there are so many historical sites I could probably spend my entire trip doing nothing but site seeing.  They have more museums per capita than any other nation.  At the same time you are looking at city ruins that are thousands of years old a modern city has built up all around it and even inside of some portions in the case of Jerusalem.  Considering how young Israel is a nation (established in 1948) they are on the cutting edge of the future in many areas.  Did you know that the cell phone was developed in Israel by Motorola?  So was voice mail technology and the technology for AOL instant messenger.  The first ingestible video camera was also developed here which helps doctors diagnose cancer and digestive disorders.  What other country can combine the past, present and future like Israel?  I would say no other nation can. 

The old city of Jerusalem in the foreground with the modern city in the background

 

 

The second aspect of Israel that has struck me once again is how much the Bible really does come alive.  It sounds cliche but it really is true.  I was reading Psalm 68 and 69 yesterday.  I'll share a few verses that jumped out in particular:

 

"May God arise, may His enemies be scattered; may His foes flee before Him. But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful." Psalm 68:1,3

"Those who hate me without reason outnumber the hairs of my head; many are my enemies without cause, those who seek to destroy me. I am forced to restore what I did not steal." Psalm 69:4

 

As I read these words I could feel the truth of it with all the turmoil surrounding Israel.  Every country surrounding Israel and the other nations in this region of the world want to see Israel destroyed.  They blame Israel for their economic problems, their poverty, and just about any other problem.  The US would like to force Israel into land for peace deals that are not realistic, etc.  I've read these Psalms many times before but when I read them here in the Land it just has a different meaning.  I love to see the faith of the believers here as well.  They pray for situations and issues that we Americans can't imagine and with such faith that God will protect and prevail.  He always does and it has been proven in this nation over and over.  We tell stories in the pulpit of something that happened at Walmart... they tell stories of wearing gas masks in bomb shelters.  Definitely two different worlds!

 

The last thing that I thought might be interesting for you who have taken the time to read this far is that the laws here seem to be more like suggestions.  Want to park on the sidewalk, go right ahead.  Don't feel like opening up the lid to the dumpster to throw away your trash?  No worries, just throw it on the ground.  Adopt a highway definitely doesn't exist here!  I also have yet to see any type of speed limit signs. 

 

Can we say litter?

 

Parking on the sidewalk.  Why not?

 

 

So that concludes a glimpse at my first week in Israel.  This week will have a few new adventures.  I'll get to see the port in Haifa on the Mediterranean Sea, going to a Jewish wedding, a Shabbat dinner and a local children's home God willing.  Until next time!

 

Christina

 



Back in Israel!

So, after 3 1/2 years the wait is finally over!  I am indeed back in Israel! The journey to get here was long so I'll start there.  This might be a bit long so I will break this first blog up into 2 parts.  The first being the journey to get here and the second being my initial observations.

I depart from Charlotte where goodbyes are always a bit difficult.  Especially saying goodbye to my mom who had been with me that week and was also flying out.  Of course because I was on an international flight and hers was a domestic flight our gates were on opposite ends of the airport.  So we both pretended to be strong but after parting ways we both shed some tears!  I made a few last minutes calls and boarded the first plane to Toronto where I would catch my connecting flight to Tel Aviv.  I arrive in Toronto and figured that since I had navigated many airports before I would be able to find my next gate without too many problems.  Wrong.  For all my Canadian friends, sorry, but the Toronto airport is terrible!  It was so confusing!  I finally figured out that I had to catch a bus to a different terminal.  Once arriving at the new terminal I had to go through security all over again which wouldn't have been so bad if the line wasn't a mile long, I hadn't already spent 45 minutes trying to find this place and my next flight was going to start boarding in 25 minutes.  I make it through security and arrive at the gate as soon as boarding starts.  About that time I hear my name being paged by the airline saying I needed to come to the desk for a message.  Yeah, there was no message for me.  I was greeted by the airlines security where I was then taken through what turned out to be a 45 minute security screening complete with 101 questions about why I was going, where I was staying, where I worked, how did I get my job, am I meeting someone I met online, how much money do I make, how did I come up with all the money, and on and on.  Then I was asked to go into a room next to the gate where I went through a full pat down from my hair to the bottom of my feet.  I was then told that I could not carry on any of my electronic items (with the exception of my iPhone and my iPod) because "electronics mess with the plane," and I would have to check those items.  As annoyed as I was with being told a load of garbage I complied and remained pleasant.  After holding up the plane I was finally cleared to board and escorted to the plane.  What little I was allowed to carry on was in a duty free plastic bag.  Gee thanks guys.  I tried to settle in for the 11 hour flight to Tel Aviv.

Picture from the air

 

I've made the flight to Tel Aviv twice before and for some reason I don't remember it ever feeling quite as long as this one did. Perhaps because I was traveling alone, dealing with pain in my knees, couldn't sleep because of the pain in my knees and I was sitting between two men I obviously didn't know, and lastly I was trying not to stress about whether my electronics that would serve as my main form of communication would make it in one piece along with what awaited me at passport control. 

Snacks :-)

 

At last we landed and I made a quick dash towards passport control because I was going to be catching a train within the hour. God was surely with me in Toronto so I had to trust He would be with me now that I arrived in Israel. I was asked several questions but within a couple of minutes I was cleared through passport control and it was off to collect my luggage. I met my hosts for the first part of my summer and off we were to catch the train to Haifa. As soon as I had the opportunity I made sure that all my electronic items were still functional. I could finally put my mind at ease as the stress of traveling was over. I definitely encountered some tougher security than I anticipated but I could feel everyone's prayers and I can look back and chuckle a bit... but only a bit. :-)

 

Welcome to Israel!

Until Part 2...

Finding Community...

This past weekend I had the privilege of participating for the 3rd year in the King David Christian Conservatory annual worship concert.  It's a chance to use dance performance for ministry and this year's show was amazing.  Every year it just keeps getting better and this year was no exception.  Inevitably the day after the shows are over there is a bit of the performance blues.  Spending a weekend being able to do the 2 things I'm the most passionate about: ministry and dance makes it hard to settle back into the normal day to day routine.

This year I was reflecting back on the season and was struck at how much I had found a sense of community within the dance studio.  I felt as though we were a tight knit group.  There has always been a sense of family but for me that family atmosphere increased.  The directors, Sal and Barb, becoming not only mentors but like second parents for me, the other students becoming like sisters and the younger kids becoming like my younger siblings I found myself in the midst of a community that I didn't expect.  I've watched a group of people share life together.  Sharing the ups and downs of life, praying for each other, encouraging one another, sharing the same passion, laughing, crying and creating memories.  I've seen how this studio has become a safe place for many.  For me personally, living hundreds of miles from my family to pursue the call of God is hard.  To find community is so important to me and God brought the most amazing people into my life.  They keep me going when I want to give up.  They encourage me to keep pursuing my dreams.  They keep me laughing.  It's beyond just learning how to do a plie or a double pirouette.  The technical aspect is there but it's also a community and what the Body of Christ is all about.

As I've have watched and experienced this God has opened up the vision in my heart for the creative arts centers I want to open in Israel one day.  I pray that I can create the same type of place.  A place for kids and young people to come where they have a safe place if they need it.  The arts has a way of drawing people in but has the potential to become much more than a place to learn a craft if the right atmosphere is created.  I pray that with God's help I can create the same type of atmosphere where I can love on the people, create a safe place, and a strong sense of community.  I certainly don't have any answers to the issues in the Middle East but what I can do is love the people.  Onward.

Humor for a moment as I brag on this studio.  If you are in the Charlotte area I highly recommend King David Christian Conservatory if you or your kids are interested in dance classes or piano lessons.  For more info visit www.kingdavidchristianconservatory.com

 Advanced Class prank :-)

 Advanced Jazz just before going on stage

 We are family!

Best directors ever