Kintsugi...

So... I’ve been on this journey of total and utter brokenness.  Have you ever been there?  Let’s just be honest... it feels like death.  A dying that happens every... single... day.  And it’s a pain that is so deep that sometimes you don’t know if it will ever end.  I’ve been thinking about this brokenness for the last few days.  I’m trying to allow that scary thing called “hope” re-enter my life (you can read about that Here ).  In the midst of such brokenness it’s hard to see anything else except the walls of the pit where you currently reside.  As I was thinking about all this I was reminded of the art of Kintsugi — a Japanese method of repairing broken pottery that I saw while scrolling through Facebook some time ago.

Kintsugi — It is translated as “golden joinery.”  It is a centuries old method of fixing broken pottery by using a special lacquer that is dusted with gold, silver or platinum.  It creates beautiful seams where the cracks are, giving the piece a uniquely beautiful design.  Then I read this about the method: “This repair method celebrates each artifact’s unique history by emphasizing its fractures and breaks instead of hiding or disguising them.  Kintsugi often makes the repaired piece even more beautiful than the original, revitalizing it with new life.”

Wow...

It seems like we try so hard to hide or disguise our pain.  We have all done it at one point or another.  I get it.  It’s hard to be openly vulnerable.  You risk appearing weak to those around you.  You risk being horribly misunderstood — especially in church circles.  You risk others seeing your brokenness and then grinding those broken pieces into dust.  But... what if we started to see brokenness as a beautiful thing?  What if we started to see brokenness the way God sees it?  That brokenness isn’t a “bad” thing but instead of sign of strength and beauty.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.”
          ~ Psalm 51:17

“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  ~ Psalm 34:18

Kintsugi reminds me of Isaiah 61:3 — He makes beauty for ashes, gives the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of despair.

God can take the ugly mess of my brokenness, repair it and make it my life even more beautiful than before, revitalizing it with new life.  I mean... this thought is almost too much for me to handle.  First that He does it and second that He WANTS to. He WANTS my mess.  He is the Master Creator who can make all things beautiful... even my mess.

It certainly doesn’t feel like this in the middle of the breaking.  It feels quite the opposite.  Embracing the brokenness is tough.  Tough on a level of tough that I’ve never known before.  But in the midst of this I think I am coming to understand that in the absolute weakest place that I have ever experienced in my life thus far, He sees strength.  When I am hanging on by the thinnest of threads but still get up to bring my mess and weakest “yes” to the Lord... He sees strength.  When everything in you screams to just give up but instead you still choose to say “yes” no matter how weak it comes out, no matter how much your voice trembles as you say it... He sees strength.  And maybe, just maybe, there is more strength in that weak “yes” then when we have yelled it from the mountain tops in times of confidence.  Jesus modeled this perfectly (See Philippians 2:1-8).  His death appeared to be weakness in the sight of many and yet it was His greatest display of strength.  His brokenness, both literal and spiritual, was a sure sign of strength and so much beauty came through His death.

So maybe we should let our brokenness show a bit more (with wisdom of course).  We are after all just broken jars of clay... and He can repair our brokenness in such a way that gold shows as an end result.  The Bible is full of broken people... people who felt the same things I am feeling now centuries later.  That is something I can take a measure of comfort in.  I’d rather see someone’s scars than someone’s perfectly put together self.  Scars are relatable and scars help me to know that this season will end with healing.  Let me see your scars... they are beautiful.

Check out this song from Iron Bell music: My Confidence

Afraid to Hope....

I had this crazy thought today as I was sitting in a coffee shop journaling.  At the start of a new year, many people usually have high hopes and goals.  That's usually me.  However, New Years Eve and New Years was tough for me this time around.  I was in a great place to ring in the New Year.  It just wasn't what I was hoping for.  And I've been fighting for any ounce of hope I can find over the last couple of months...

So today as I was reflecting back on the last 24 hours and the last year, I had the crazy thought... I'm afraid to hope.  This sounded totally ludicrous to me.  It was so out of character I wanted to have an inner dialogue about it to talk myself into how silly this thought is.... how I shouldn't have this thought.  Only, trying to talk myself out of feeling how I feel doesn't usually work.  What works for me, and I suspect much more of us if we will only admit it to ourselves, is to face the feeling.  Face it in all of its ugliness.  Face it in all of its pain.  Face it in all of its untruth.  How do I face it?  I allow myself to feel it.  Then I take it to the Lord.  Eventually, I work through it.  It has taken courage to walk through this process in this way.  Not only is it just plain painful to the core but it means allowing others to see what a hot mess you really are.  None of it is fun.  But all of it somehow seems necessary.  Thank God for those people in my life who have been more than understanding of this season and stood by my side to help walk me through it.

Why am I scared to hope?  Have you ever spent so much time hoping for something that after a long while of not seeing it you are totally worn out?  I am right in the middle of this.  I'm 35 and there are certain things I had envisioned for my life that I thought would have happened by now.  They haven't.  Ever been there?  It's disappointing, right?  These are desires I've brought before the Lord countless times.  They are even desires I've asked Him to take away from me if it isn't His will in an attempt to not be afraid of hoping they will eventually happen.  And yet, the desires remain.

So I start asking the typical questions... Am I putting my hope in the "things" and not in the Lord?  I don't think so.  I know that for these things to transpire in my life I need His help and His guidance.  So I keep looking to Him.  I also believe that these are God given desires.  It's a hard question to ask myself but one I needed to ask myself.

Why am I afraid of hope?  Hope deferred makes the heart sick. This seems like the total opposite reaction I should be having to hope.  Only there's this one word that is wrapped up in this whole "hope" thing and that is "risk."  Hope feels like a risk right now.  Risk is not something I'm too keen on at the moment.  I'm typically the person who isn't afraid of taking a risk and my life choices have proven that many times over.  I may not be able to count the number of people who have thought I was crazy for doing many of the things I've done -- like moving to a new state or country 5 different times.  I have taken the risks in the past because I wasn't afraid of the risk with the hope that God would work out the details I didn't have worked out when I moved.  And He always did.  But when you are afraid to hope, that is a whole new level of broken down I have not experienced and risk is certainly not territory I am going to just run into with abandon.

I know that this post seems like a real downer!  Wow Christina... you really are a hot mess.  Thanks.  I know.  But in the midst of my mess, God has still been injecting glimmers of hope into my life.  They are small and in doses I can handle.  As I continually bring him my mess -- because right now it's all I have to offer -- He gives me a small tidbit of hope.  It comes in the way of a Scripture, or an encouraging word from a friend, or a gesture from someone that has considered me and my feelings.  It's the text from a friend at just the right moment.  It's a phone call from a friend to check on me.  It's gentle.

I know that eventually I will hope again.  Hope will not seem scary.  And once I have walked through this valley my hope will be stronger than it has ever been in my life thus far.  I will have learned a lot as a result.  Until then... I get up everyday and bring my weak "yes" to the Lord once again.  I keep inching forward even when it seems like I've done nothing but move backwards.  All in the hopes that nothing I'm currently facing will go to waste and that someone else will get through it having seen my scars.

Here's a link to an early David Crowder song that is honest and means more to me now than it ever did when I first heard it in Bible college: All I Can Say

Come As You Are...

As I walk through a particularly difficult season emotionally I am learning a lot about myself.  I'm also noticing things about the Church I hadn't noticed before.  Some things you just can't see when you're on the mountain top.  Things are too far away that you can't really see the details to be able to relate to it.  Some things can only be seen in the valley.  In the valley is where courage is tested.  The valley is where moxy is developed.  One of the "things" I have noticed is how much we as a Church don't give each other, much less the world, any grace.  We say "come as you are..." and it sounds spiritual and full of grace but often we really have unspoken conditions.  And we are probably harder on someone once they have come into the family of believers.  Because now they should "know better."  I know I've done it.  I've looked down on someone who is struggling.  Shaking my head in a way that was so full of prideful, religious hypocrisy that lacks all the love that Jesus has for that person.  I think we can all say at some point or another we all have for one reason or another.

*Side note: In saying this I am in no way negating the importance or necessity for holiness, accountability and Godly discipline when needed... it takes discernment and wisdom to navigate each situation.  I am simply speaking in a general way to make a broader point.

As I walk through a terribly painful but freeing place of raw honesty with my emotions and circumstances I am learning that there are some who don't really want you to "come as you are," but God will always let you come to Him as you are.  Whether you're in a strong place or a complete and utter mess.  He wants it whatever it is.  If only we as believers would allow ourselves to do the same. We don't really want the mess... maybe because its a way for some to pretend they aren't also a mess. If we all walk around and pretend we are "too blessed to be stressed" then the mess will somehow go away.  Worse yet,  some of us self-medicate with ministry because the more ministry we do the more spiritual we are and those problems will magically disappear if we just simply get busy "being about the Father's business."  Only maybe sometimes His business is with us personally...

Why is being a mess sometimes a bad thing?  It means that we are real people, with real emotions, who live in a real world where life can be hard at times.  It means that more people will be able to relate to me if they see the same scars in me.  I think it's rather telling that when Jesus rose from the dead His scars were visible.  When I'm struggling with feeling like God has forsaken me and I'm dying inside I can look at Jesus' scars and know that He also felt those same emotions.  And He overcame.  And overcoming meant going through the physical and emotional pain... not avoiding it.  It was perfectly messy.  Out of His greatest pain came our greatest victory.

I know that I will think twice before I shake my head at someone who is struggling.  Whether it's emotional, a sin, a life situation... I'm going to do my best to give grace to someone to feel what they are feeling.  What would happen if we actually allowed each other to be honest about what is going on in our lives and how we feel without covering it with all the "spiritual" cliche lines we all know to say to each other?  It's like that makes us have more faith.  I'm finding that being real and honest takes more courage than to it is to rattle off some one liner that makes me sound more spiritual.  It also takes more courage to be real and honest than it does to avoid it with any amount of spiritual busyness or pretend that everything is okay when it isn't. I'm also finding that when we are honest about our current state, God is more than big enough to handle it and this amazing thing happens.  We walk through it.

So, if you're struggling with life... come as you are... to Him.  And know that earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal.  And may we as believers also be a place where people can come as they are.  Where we can be like Jesus when He lifted up the face of the harlot instead of throwing stones.  No judgement.  No shame.  No shaking of heads.  But we embrace people in love and then take their hand to walk through the mess with them.

A link to the song that inspired this post: Come As You Are by Crowder

Community and the Church....

Can I be raw and honest?  It's the only way I know how to be really... it's been a difficult couple of years.  I don't think I realized how difficult until recently, how hard it's actually been for me on the inside.  Since I stepped out to pursue my dreams nearly 2 years ago I have had some incredible highs and some incredible lows.  I've experienced incredible generosity and an incredible lack of generosity.  I've experienced excitement from others about this crazy vision God has given me and I've experienced total confusion from others about this crazy vision.  The one glaring thing I have not experienced is genuine community.  I got a taste of what community looked like while I lived in Charlotte.  And it came in the form of a couple of dance studios.  People who genuinely cared, genuinely helped if you were in need, and genuinely loved.  It was amazing to not feel like a burden to people... especially as a single girl with no family nearby (managing single life at this age is a whole other blog!).  It was amazing to feel included and to just share life with people. 

Since leaving Charlotte it's been difficult to find that sense of community again, especially in the Church.  Today I was thinking about it.  Why is community so hard to find?  My mother brought up a statement that I've heard from well meaning church people for years -- "You don't go to church for the people, you go for the Lord."  I'm sure I've said it at some point.  Only now I fundamentally disagree with this statement.  I actually do go to church for the people.  It's not the only reason... but it's a big one.  WHAT??!!  It's true.  I don't serve God or base my relationship with God on how people treat me but one of the reasons I go to church is for fellowship.  Fellowship is not the two minutes of "greet your neighbor" time between the music and the sermon.  Fellowship is sharing life with the people who have common interests.  Fellowship is the cement in any authentic community.  The early Church understood the principle of doing life together.  They shared all that they had.  They broke bread together regularly.  You can see it evidenced even in the disagreements (Paul and Barnabas for example) because disagreements will inevitably occur when you do life with someone long enough.  We were not meant to go through this life alone.  We need each other.  We draw strength from one another.  I will even go as far as to say that the Trinity is a perfect example of community working in harmony.  The Body of Messiah is called to be one Body and we can't do that if our mentality is to always put up the proverbial privacy fence. 

I get that really doing life with people is messy.  It's hard.  It requires effort.  I'm the first to admit that I'm not always great at it.  But we would be better off for it.  It's incredibly rewarding.  I believe that this area is where the rubber meets the road in many ways.  No more superficial handshakes and "how are you doing," or "good to see you" statements when there is really nothing behind the words.  As I navigate through a very difficult season of feeling isolated and alone (even among fellow believers) I wonder how many others have experienced this same thing.  And how many of those have walked away from the Church as a result.  It's a common saying but the words ring true, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."  It's time to come up to a higher standard of not just saying we care on a superficial level but getting down in the trenches with people.  Experiencing the mess that is often called life; celebrating victories and mourning together with each other through every season.  I believe we were all fundamentally designed to need each other in some sort of capacity (it's not good for man to be alone....). 

If you're feeling alone, if you've been hurt, if you feel like no one cares or that no one understands.  This girl does.  I get it.  And we can walk through it together.  We can build each other up in our most holy faith.  No judgement.  Just honest, come as you are and let's keep moving forward community.  No exclusions.  No popularity contests.  No cool kids club.  However you're dressed, whatever your vise, whatever your need...  There is a place for you.  At least there should be... 

Climate Change and Terrorism....

So yesterday people were screaming about Trump's decision to withdrawal from the Paris Accord... meanwhile, 90 people were killed when a car bomb was exploded in a busy market in Kabul and a terrorist took over a hotel in Manila, Philippines killing 36.  It got me thinking about what our mindsets in America and the West.

First, let me say that I am not debating whether Trump is a good president, whether climate control is a real issue or not, or any other political issue.  My intent, as someone who is concerned for the plight of humans across the world, is to ask some hard questions.  We don't often think about the root of our indifference.

I digress... The terrorist attack in Manchester, England recently had many changing their Facebook profile pictures to include the Union Jack.  Hashtags about "we are Manchester" and "I stand with Manchester" and "Praying for Manchester" could be found trending.  It shocked the world that such a tragedy could happen.  But why is the Manchester tragedy shocking, but an attack that killed more than 3 times as many people barely gets news coverage?  Why is an English speaking gunman who kills over 30 people in a Manila hotel less shocking?  Why don't we seem to care as much?  

I often wonder if maybe the reason is that we "expect" those attacks to happen in those places.  After all, Afghanistan is a Muslim country.  It's expected in a Muslim country.  That's just how it is.  What if we looked into the eyes of someone who lives in that nation and told them that?  Does that make the pain and terror any less than it is in England?  The Philippines is all the way on the other side of the planet so it doesn't really hit "close to home."  Our silence suggests that those lives don't matter near as much as when it happens in a Western country.  It's far far away from our suburban homes, Starbuck's coffee shops and comfortable lives.

And let's not forget about Syria.  There are no benefit concerts being held to send aid to the families in any of these places.  What I do hear are people screaming about what they feel is right or wrong about a government official making a decision.  But that's the only time we care.  Travel ban?!  That's terrible!!  Meanwhile, if there were no travel ban would these same people be given a second thought?  Do we realize that the number of people trying to get into America is far less than those that are still living there trying to survive every hour of every single day?  Again, I am not debating whether a travel ban is right or wrong.  My point is to draw attention to the ones we put as out of sight, out of mind.  I actually think that many people put too much power in the hands of the government and look to the government to do things for them.  After all, it's easier to spout your opinions on Facebook and maybe go to a voting booth once every 2-4 years than it is to actually be hands and feet for the issues we with which we hold such strong opinions.  

Maybe that's another problem.  We have too many opinions and too little convictions.  Opinions can change.  Convictions are things you are willing to die for.  Opinions are easy.  They require nothing but a person to hear them or a platform to shout them from.  Often opinions don't even require that because, as shocking as it is to some, they can be kept to yourself.  Convictions are hard.  They actually require something of you.  Opinions will often lead you to arguments and debates.  Convictions call you to action.  And often those actions cause you to do more than just rail against the latest politician you don't like.  

As I ponder these things in my heart you'll have to forgive me if a climate change treaty doesn't seem to be the biggest issue going on in the world today.  Climate change is debated by both sides of the aisle.  How serious is it?  How true is it?  Scientists debate it amongst themselves.  Politicians debate it and put it as part of their platform campaigns.  But what cannot be debated is the number of innocent lives lost yesterday.  Innocent lives that didn't seem to matter quite as much as the ones lost in Manchester.  Did you know that one of the lives lost in Kabul was a teenager who begged her mother to take her to an ice cream shop.  She was standing in line to get ice cream.  What if that were your child?  What if that were the threat you faced every time to left your house?  What if that were the threat you faced everyday regardless of whether you left your house or not?  

These events grab my attention far more than a climate change treaty.  Maybe it's because I have been closer to terrorists attacks than most American's will ever be (within a quarter mile of a shooting and caught a bus less than 2 miles away from where another bus had an explosion). Maybe because I've seen how a society has to deal with the daily threat of terrorist attacks.   

All of this is something to ponder... for me anyway.  What do you think are the reasons terrorist attacks in the Middle East and further don't get the attention in the West?  

The Day I Threw Fashion to the Wind....

I came across a picture today from my memories on Facebook.  More on that in a moment... I enjoy seeing memories of posts I've made "on this day" however many years ago.  There is something beautiful about remembering.  Remembering is not to be confused with looking back.  They are different.  It's Biblical to remember what God has done (Psalm 77:11).  It doesn't mean we are living in the past.  Goodness, the Bible is a book of remembrance!  I digress...

Back to the picture.  Here it is:

One year ago, this is what I looked like.  I know what you're thinking, "What a fashionista!"  Okay, let's be honest... I threw fashion and that girlish desire to look cute to the wind!  I was in Jerusalem and I was FREEZING!  I had been there maybe a week by this time.  When I saw this picture my mind was flooded with memories and thoughts I was having during this time.  Although this was my 4th trip to Israel I had never been in the winter.  After a trip out in the city on a previous cold and rainy day, I had returned with socks that were soaking wet from boots that were not waterproof, frozen fingers, frozen face and well, frozen everything!  I was not prepared for the weather like I had thought!  My gloves weren't thick enough, my winter hat wasn't thick enough, my boots were no match against the rushing streams of Jerusalem sidewalks and I was not layering enough!  I was not used to having to walk outside so much in the elements.  In America I walked from the door to a car and then from the car to a door.  A parking lot was the most I had to be out in the weather.  In Jerusalem, sans the convenience of a car, I was walking MUCH more.  Even taking buses still meant walks to bus stops and those weren't across the road from the apartment.  They were blocks away.  So in this picture I have on newly purchased rain boots, thicker gloves, a lumberjack fur lined hat, two pairs of pants, two pairs of socks, at least two shirts, a coat and a scarf.  I was still cold...

This picture brought back a flood of memories of all the inconveniences I experienced.  No central heating or air.  Space heaters in very large rooms with walls containing no insulation make it challenging to get warm.  Taking a shower felt like a race against frostbite!  Hanging your clothes to dry meant having to plan days in advance because it took DAYS for your clothes to dry in the damp coldness of the apartment.  Dryers are expensive to run so we only used it for towels and sheets.  My face was cold for at least a month!  In the midst of trying to adjust to a new normal in a foreign country I remember clearly thinking how I was grateful to finally be where I knew I belonged.  My thankfulness to be walking in the place of my destiny outweighed the wet clothes, cold bones, and cold everything.  God lit a fire in my heart and it was burning!  And that was enough to keep me warm on the inside.  

Don't get me wrong.  I had days where the smallest thing would cause a meltdown.  I had days where I didn't want to hear Hebrew or someone barking at me in Hebrew.  I had days where I was sick of walking up and down hills.  But God is faithful to remind us of His bigger picture.  This year, as I sit in the comfort of a coffee shop and it's almost 70 degrees in January outside and my vehicle is parked 30 feet from the coffee shop door, I find myself longing for those cold stone streets.  That picture reminds me of His faithfulness.  It reminds me of His dream for my life.  It reminds me that my heart for Israel is HIS heart for Israel and He WILL bring me back to the Land I love.  That picture reminds me that destiny often means change and being in situations that are uncomfortable but it is ALWAYS worth it.  What is God reminding you of today?  As you remember different times in your life, what was God doing and saying?  What is He saying in the midst of an uncomfortable season?  Remember what He has done and what He has brought you through because it serves as a reminder that He will do it again!

Letting Go...

It's been a WHILE!  I'm sorry.  Life tends to take over and my writing gets contained to my journal.  But the inspiration came today in the most unusual way.  See, today was a big day.  I've had a few big days over the last month.  A month ago the decision was made that I would go back to Israel in January!  Only this time would be different.  I would be taking a leap of faith, letting go of everything, living in uncertainly and just going for it.  I had felt the Lord leading me to do this all summer.

As I have began making preparations for my next adventure to Israel I have been struck by how emotional it has been at moments.  It will hit me at odd times.  Like when I was sorting through ALL of my things to get rid of what I couldn't take or store at my parents house.  Some of these things had traveled with me from Kentucky to Florida to Louisiana and to North Carolina.  It's not always the "thing" that really matters but the memories attached to it.  As I continued to put things in a yard sale bin I felt like my past was going with it.  In a small sense it was the reality of leaving it all behind and pressing forward to follow Jesus into this unknown.

It happened again just a few days ago as I was at the airport in Detroit.  I was walking down almost the entire length of the A terminal (78 gates...) and I was passing gates with departures to other countries.  Usually I don't see the international flights because I'm in a terminal that only has domestic flights.  As I walked quietly past a few of them it began to set in that I had just purchased my international flights to and from Tel Aviv.  In just a couple of months that will be me sitting at the gate waiting to take a flight that will end up half way across the world.  Away from the comfort of what's familiar.  Away from the community I've come to love.  Away from my family.  I suddenly felt vulnerable.  Exposed almost.  One more reminder that this is really happening.  I'm really doing it.

Back to today...

Today I put in my notice at my job that I was quitting.  My part time corporate job at a good company that pays me more money than I have any business making with a degree in ministry, will come to an end 3 weeks from today.  As I walked out of the office after telling my boss I had that feeling again.  It's real.  I'm really doing this.  There is no turning back.  The mixed emotions of being excited and yet thinking I'm completely certifiable for doing this comes in waves.  The crashing kind.

I keep asking myself why am I experiencing these difficult emotions.  This is what I've been praying for, pleading to the Lord and talking about for YEARS!  To finally step out into what God put in my heart long ago is the beginning of God fulfilling this dream.  The dream is the exciting part.  But letting go sometimes isn't so easy.  It's not as easy as I thought it would be.  With each step I take to prepare to get back on a plane to Israel I am letting go of another area of stability.  I'm leaving it all behind and come back to nothing certain.  I will face even more of these moments as I say goodbye to my "family" here in Charlotte in a few weeks.  Each step gets a bit harder.

I do find a beauty in it all though.  The Lord gives us such grace to do what He has asked.  I take comfort in knowing that He knows it's hard sometimes.  I don't have to pretend to be super Christian who has it all together all the time.  There is freedom in knowing that I can't do it alone but must lean on Jesus with each step forward I take.  As I let go of everything I've ever known to lay hold of everything He has for my life I am learning to lean all the more on His stability.  When the storm around me rages, He is the calm that keeps me steady.  His gaze keeps me moving forward.

If you find it harder than you thought to move forward, just gaze into the eyes of Jesus.  His gaze will pull you forward and get you through.  He's worth it.  He's always worth it.  He'll always be worth it.  Keep letting go and see what amazing things He will hand you in return.