Oh God, Here Am I, Send Me...

Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the voice of Adonai saying: "Whom should I send and who will go for Us?" So I said, "Hineni (Here am I). Send me."

And as they say, famous last words!  What I love about this passage of Scripture is that Isaiah doesn't just casually say this statement when He hears the Lord ask, "Who should I send?".  Isaiah was already a prophet.  He was already walking in a measure of the Spirit that was unusual to most people.  And when we get to Chapter 6 we read about this incredible encounter Isaiah has with the Lord.  He is completely broken.  He sees God and is ruined!  He instantly sees his human weakness, his sin and his inadequacy.  He is cleansed by a burning coal from the altar and then God asks this question.  I imagine that's how many of us accept the call of God on our lives.  We encounter God.  He touches our lives in such a way and we become so transformed by Him that He asks us a simple, yet loaded, question.  How can you say no?!  No is no longer an option when you encounter the Living God! And something miraculous happens when the response is, "Here am I. Send me."  No matter how difficult the task ahead may be, and Isaiah was told up front that no one would listen to him, we still gladly accept the mission.  It reminds me of the quote by David Livingstone when he said, "If a commission by an earthly king is considered an honor, how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?" His grace is sufficient to accomplish what He asks of us.

Over the past week and half as I've had a few conversations with people regarding the current situation in Israel I am often asked why in the world I want to be there now.  The nation is in war.  Rocket sirens are going off an average of every 10 minutes somewhere in the country.  When I encountered God and He changed my entire life I said yes.  Yes to whatever He would ask of me.  No matter the cost, the answer is yes.  I can't even say yes without Him.  Many people have the same stories.  It's why missionaries all over the world will put themselves in crazy and even dangerous situations.  The deeper I go in God, the deeper this surrender becomes.  I can remember a few years back when I heard a couple that live in Israel that if they were ever in the US and war broke out in Israel they would be on the first plane back.  At the time I admired them but I couldn't have made that statement and I knew I was called to Israel at that time.  I couldn't identify.  Fast forward a few years and a life changing summer in Israel later, I can now definitively say that I identify.  I would give anything to be in Israel right now.  It's because by His Spirit I can say yes and continue to say yes.

The deeper we go with God, the deeper the burdens will go and the more surrendered we become.  The more in love with God we become the more we are compelled to follow Him to wherever He leads.  He ruins our lives, shatters us, asks us to do the impossible and then when we simply say yes He pours out His grace and strength to accomplish the impossible mission.  The deeper we go into His heart, the deeper we want to go.  This is what changes the earth.  God having a people who are completely in love with Him, burning with His passion and then spreading that fire to the ends of earth.  I want to be counted among those that burn their whole lives and die burning with passion for Him!  Who's with me?

The song that has been on repeat tonight and inspired this blog Isaiah 6 featuring Lindy

When God Knits Your Heart to a Nation...

This has been such a roller coaster week for me.  On the one hand I am trying to be "normal" and on the other I succumb to the depths of God's heart for His people.  You see this week an 18 day search for three Israeli teenage boys kidnapped by Hamas terrorists in the West Bank came to a tragic end.  Monday their bodies were found.  The entire nation mourned with the families of these teens.  In fact, some 70,000 (maybe more) people showed up at their memorial service on Tuesday that was also live streamed online.  Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was late arriving (and he was one of the speakers) because he was stuck in traffic!  As the nation mourned I found myself also mourning with them in a much deeper way than I ever thought.  For those 18 days I followed closely the developments of what was taking place.  I knew more about what was happening in Israel than I did in Charlotte.  When I saw the headline Monday come across my phone that their bodies had been found I gasped at my desk at work and sat paralyzed for short time.

Tuesday night as I was trying to work out exactly what was going on with me and my emotions over all this I found myself weeping for Israel.  The range of emotions was overwhelming!  One minute it was grief over the senseless death of 3 innocent boys, the next it was frustration that I am not in Israel, the next it was crying out for the salvation of both Jew and Arab, followed by the sobering reminder that God has called me to a nation where terrorism is almost a daily reality in some form or another and the cycle continued for quite some time.  At one point I asked the Lord what was going on.  What is this about?  And that still small voice gently reminded me that He has knit my heart with Israel.  He has given me HIS heart for this nation.  I was experiencing a small part of God's heart for the nation of Israel.  Total surrender to God and allowing Him to place His desires in our hearts leads to our feeling what He feels for the people He longs to save.  This is across the board for any nation or people that God may put on someone's heart.  It just so happens to be Israel for me.  And even in the midst of all the upheaval and fall out from the tragic event that unfolded Monday I felt this need to be there.  I need to be there because that is where I belong.  It's God's destiny for my life and as scary as it seems sometimes there is no turning back.  Once God arrests your heart, you are never the same.  You can't look back.  It's not even an option.  On this Independence Day Eve I can only think about all of the people who are in spiritual bondage and we as believers have the key to unlock their prison doors in Jesus.

So, through this experience I have seen the Lord drawing me closer to Him.  I've only just begun to barely tap into the depths of His heart and the more broken I'm becoming because of it the deeper I want to go.  Let God break your heart for what breaks His.  Just know that when He does it, you will never be the same again!

One Year Ago...

A year ago today I was landing in Israel to begin my summer adventure!  Today as I reflect on all the emotions I am experiencing an ache in my heart to be back in the Land that I came to love more than I thought possible.  I can look back now and giggle at the meltdown I had the night before leaving trying to pack; the awful interrogation I experienced in Toronto before boarding my connecting flight to Tel Aviv (gotta love Israeli security!); the elation of finally landing in Tel Aviv and meeting my gracious hosts for the first part of my trip (Frank and Carol, you two are amazing!).  I can now even laugh at the 2 days I spent in the bathroom sick as a dog with some sort of stomach virus from the pit of hell.  I met some wonderful people in Haifa and ate some delicious home cooked food for the first 3 weeks.  I remember the fear of having to travel to Jerusalem alone on a bus and find my way to the apartment where I would finish my summer.  The relief and still some anxiety as I did find the apartment but now I was with all new people whom I had never met.  At the same time I was excited!  I was excited to see what God would do and what doors He would open!

View of the Old City from the Mt of Olives

What happened next was so unexpected!  I was in Jerusalem and kind of knowing that this was the city God would plant me however I was not excited about that.  Jerusalem wasn't the place I wanted to be planted.  You see, Jerusalem is a bit more tense than other cities in Israel.  It is "disputed" territory (the US State Department doesn't list Jerusalem under it's list of cities for the nation of Israel but instead it lists it as a separate entity).  There are spiritual dynamics within Jerusalem that make it more tense.  It was a cool place to visit but to live would be entirely different.  As I settled in to the apartment, one of the girls invited me to go with her to the house of prayer and then into the city.  We would become fast friends and that first night in the city would be transforming.  My heart would begin on an unexpected journey of love for Jerusalem and a deepening love for His people.  That first night God deposited His heart for this city into mine.  To get a glimpse of His heart for anything is amazing but to feel His heart for something is even more incredible.  At times I could feel a tiny fragment of how Jesus must have felt when he wept over Jerusalem and as tiny as it was I was overwhelmed.  I met some incredible believers, practiced my limited Hebrew, danced some Jewish circle dancing, visited the desert in the south of the country, climbed a mountain in the middle of the day in the desert heat, broke bread with people from all different nations and had my life changed in the process.  I was able to watch as Palestinian and Jewish believers, young people, worshipped together at an incredible conference.  I was able to serve food at a soup kitchen, read the Word to a holocaust survivor, visit a children's home and have my life changed forever in the process of it all.

Looking out over the city of Jerusalem

Leaving was so difficult.  I shed tears and tried to soak up every last moment before taking off to come back "home."  Transitioning back to the US proved to be harder than I thought and many days since over the last year my thoughts are consumed with thoughts and prayers of getting back to the city where I left my heart.  The path I have chosen is not easy and has proved to be difficult as I work to raise the necessary funds to move.  Because the next time I go, I go to live.  But I am compelled.  I am compelled by the love God has put in my heart and by my obedience to do what He has called me to do.  Without that I would have given up and yet I cannot.  I will go back and I will go back soon.  Much like it was climbing the mountain in the middle of the day in the desert heat -- once you got to a certain point in the journey there is no turning back.  No matter how worn out you are, you have to keep moving forward.  Once at the top and you see the view, the journey was worth it.

Finishing the climb up a mountain in Mizpe Ramon

Confessions of the Not so Brave...

Tonight as I was doing some study on Passover (it begins tomorrow) and getting some thoughts together to post a video blog regarding this holiday I found myself extremely distracted with other thoughts.  Thoughts of Israel.  That ever present ache in my heart for that nation and the people of that nation.  It's always there but sometimes it just seems to hit me like a ton of bricks... out of no where.  As my heart aches to be back in the Land I am confronted with my own frailty and weakness as I often am when I am longing to be back in Israel and not having any guarantee as to when that will happen.  I have the dream of being back; the hope of being back; the need to be back.  The only assurance that I have is that I am called to be there and that assures me that God will make a way.  The "when" is the hard part for me.

Sometimes I think people out there (no one specific, just "people") see me as brave or something.  Brave because I've decided to go live in a Middle Eastern country.  Brave because I've decided to leave this country with relative comfort and safety for a country that lives in constant tension with the threat of war always looming.  The truth is... I'm not so brave.  Not in and of myself.  It's nights like tonight when my heart is aching so much that all my weaknesses and frailties are before me.  All the questions that I dare not bring to the surface because, after all, if I acknowledge them what would people say?  Would I seem as if I don't have any faith?  Maybe.  But as I have gotten older I have become more and more real with myself.  I've become more real with my emotions.  I decided that there isn't much sense in pretending that I don't feel a certain way or that a certain fear doesn't exist.  Refusing to acknowledge something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  As I begin to acknowledge these emotions and fears with the Lord I am able to deal with them.  Dealing with them brings victory over them.

Here is my confessional as I deal with the emotions, fears and weaknesses tonight.  I do get scared.  Scared that I won't make my goal of leaving for Israel in the fall and thus losing the momentum I had coming off my summer in Jerusalem.  Scared that no one will be interested and no one will respond to my inquiries.  Scared of attending yet another FI conference not being anywhere close to buying a plane ticket.  Scared of not getting the support.  Scared of just simply being inadequate for this assignment.  Along with the fears comes some of the most lonely times I've ever experienced.  I'm surrounded by people and yet I'm terribly alone.  When the ache in my heart deepens these are the fears and the thoughts that I battle.

And yet... I hang on to hope.  I hope against hope.  It doesn't matter how many years this journey takes, I will hang on until I see it through.  There is no turning back or giving up.  I burned those bridges.  There is no looking back.  I recognize my weakness and then like Paul I boast in my weakness because when I am weak, He is strong.  That is my story.  In all of my weakness, and I am a terribly weak person in the natural, He is strong.  It is His strength that keeps me going.  It is His strength that keeps me from giving up.  It is His strength that gives me the ability to hope against hope.  He knows every single fiber of my being inside and out.  He believes in me enough to give me this assignment.  How can I go back?  How can I say no?  How can I give up?  When I work through this process, let go of the fears and the emotions that do not line up with the Word, it is then that divine perseverance takes over.  I rest in the dogged determination that I will fulfill the call of God on my life and that He will make it happen in His timing.  Until then, hear I sit in my bedroom in Matthews, North Carolina aching more deeply than words can express for a nation and a people who desperately need to know their Messiah.

Just Some Late Night Randomness..

Tonight I was thinking about how blessed I am.  I just filed my taxes (yes, even after filing taxes I can still feel like a blessed woman surprisingly!) and as I looked around my bed, that often serves as my desk, I noticed the various different Apple devices that I have purchased in the last year.  I began to think about how the Lord had really provided for me to be able to purchase these items that normally wouldn't have been able to purchase.  But through one way or another He provided the extra funds to purchase them.  I began to think about how I've wanted an iPad and a MacBook for years (yes, I do realize that this is a first world problem/desire) and when I least expected it I now have those items.  But then I began to think about what other people desire or dream of having in other nations and I am once again humbled.  There are people who just want to be able to have clean water.  Some food.  Others would like the peace of mind of being able to go a day without the looming threat of rocket attacks or bombs.  Simply having a place to sleep.  And the list goes on an on.  Suddenly I am humbled and it puts my life into perspective.  How many of us have wondered, "Why was I born in America and not in some third world country?"  I have many times.  Almost immediately after pondering that question I am struck with a sense of responsibility.  To whom much is given, much is required.  It's part of the reason that I have this resounding "go" in my spirit.  It's why I must go.  I'm not blessed simply to enjoy my life for myself but to enjoy my life by giving back to others.  It's to share Jesus and show His love to those in desperate need of Him.

I think that the catchy little phrase that is often said in Christian circles, "You're blessed to be a blessing," is true however I don't think that it goes far enough.  I think it falls much short of what we are truly called to do as believers and that is to lay our lives down.  Jesus was certainly blessed but He did more than just be a blessing to people, He laid His life down in every way possible by serving people and certainly by physically laying His life down.  Perhaps a better phrase (but it likely wouldn't be as popular) would be, "You're blessed to lay your life down."  You're blessed to be a blessing has this happy undertone.  It's very feel good and happy.  At least to me.  But in reality when we are truly serving people and laying down our lives there is an aspect of deep fulfillment but there are also moments of pain.  There's a bit of struggle at times.  But that is real.  It's the road less traveled.  When you look down that path it has some narrow dusty roads that may have overgrown thickets.  It doesn't look pretty but the end result is well worth the journey.  And along the way while we are blessing others by laying our lives down we emerge from the end of that journey a stronger more beautiful person.  It's the road I choose.  Because greater love has no man than this but to lay his life down for his friends.

Remembering...

Remember.  It is the word that has been in my spirit the past week.  You see, this week we lost and heaven gained a real general of the faith.  Steve Hill, the evangelist of the Brownsville Revival, had a major impact on millions of people including myself.  In 1997 the Brownsville Revival was in full swing.  At the time I had no desire to spend my time in Florida at a church when the beach was calling.  Plus, these people were weird.  They enjoyed church and they would dance, clap their hands, and look happy.  I thought church was supposed to be boring.  But nevertheless here I was in Pensacola on a family vacation attending this revival.  I decided that I could get through a few services and then it was on to Tampa where I could really enjoy myself.  Plus, I was determined to use the beach as an excuse to get out of as many church activities as possible (that only happened once…).  As it would happen my family was able to meet Steve Hill before one of the services.  My sister was ecstatic and in my mind I was thinking, “Who is this joker? What’s so special about this guy?”  For whatever reason, I decided to join in the picture with Steve and my sister before we left the room (it is a picture that I now treasure).  Within a couple days of that meeting Steve’s fiery preaching had brought such conviction of the Spirit that I knew I had to get my life right with God.  I thought I was a Christian.  I thought I was living the way a Christian lives but I was exposed.  I was in sin.  I didn’t know this Jesus I professed to serve.  He wasn’t real to me and I knew that if I didn’t get my life right in that environment I would never do it.  Steve’s message was titled A Taste for God.  I didn’t have one but in those 30-45 minutes in which he preached that hunger for God that is deep inside each and every person was awakened inside of me.  Steve made a statement right before giving the altar call saying, “Some of you have traveled 3,000 miles, don’t not come the last 30 feet.”  We had not come quite that distance (only about 600-700 miles) but I couldn’t resist the Spirit drawing me any longer.  So I, along with several hundred other people, came and knelt down wherever there was a piece of empty carpet.  I wept in deep repentance and when I got up off the floor that night I had no clue how much God had and would change my life.  It was October 29, 1997.  I cut my spiritual teeth on Steve’s preaching in those early days following that fateful night and his passion for the lost and love for Jesus was more than I had ever seen in a person.  His passion for revival was contagious and I made many trips back to Pensacola before eventually moving there in January of 2003 to attend college at Brownsville Revival School of Ministry.  Steve Hill had left Pensacola 3 years earlier but was a frequent guest.  I cannot not accurately put into the words the affect that Steve Hill had on my life.

Me, Steve and my sister before a revival service - October 1997

As I have been seeing all the tributes to Steve, all the pictures from the revival and all the old revival videos being posted on Facebook we as a community, those of us who were touched and changed by the Brownsville Revival, are grieving and remembering together.  Several years ago soon after I left Pensacola there were some people who encouraged me (and a few others probably) to forget the past.  I was even looked at as living in the past if I talked about or mentioned revival/BRSM.  The attitude seemed to be the past is dead, revival is dead, BRSM is dead, move on.  You don’t want to live in the past or else you’ll miss what God has for you.  Although I do see their point and I believe these people were well intentioned I was never willing to forget my past or believe that it was dead.  Revival wasn’t dead because it still lives inside of me and countless others around the world.  

Remembering is not a bad thing.  In fact, God instructs the Israelites to remember what He did for them!  To this day Jewish people still celebrate the Feasts that God instructed them to thousands of years ago to remember what He did for them!  The Bible, the Book in which we as believers live our lives by, is full of remembrance!  By reading it daily we are remembering what God did for those who went before us as an assurance of what He will continue to do!  We remember His promises.  We remember His goodness.  We remember His faithfulness.  We remember His mercy.  We remember His holiness.  Whenever we take communion we do it in REMEMBERANCE of Jesus and what He did for us!  We REMEMBER!  In fact, whenever the Israelites failed to remember what God had done for them they got into trouble (see Judges).  For those of us that were touched by revival we can’t forget because it ruined us.  It ruined us from ever being able to be satisfied with church as usual.  It ruined us from ever being able to live life “normally.”  We had been touched by God Himself in unexplainable ways that went to depths many of us didn’t know existed.  We who were cold and dead were set ablaze by His holy fire.  And it was glorious!  How could we forget?!  And the amazing thing about this phenomenon was that the more He showed up in our lives the more we wanted; the more we NEEDED!  How many of us soaked the carpets of Brownsville and “the Orange” with our tears?  There were tears of desperation to know Him more, to see His face and to love Him deeper.  Tears as we felt His heart for those who were lost.  Tears for nations as He birthed missions callings in the hearts of many who are serving around the world to this day.  What we experienced was not a special brand of Christianity; it was the expression of authentic Christianity.

Dr. Brown and John Kilpatrick

Brownsville helped cultivate a love for Israel

Brownsville Revival

As we remember all that God did in those revival days I think I can safely say that none of us have a desire to go back to those days but we want more!  There is still a faint yellow line spray painted on the sidewalk in front of Brownsville from revival days.  Behind the line are the words “Line Starts Here.”  It was put there to help with the crowds of people lining up each night to get into the services.  Almost 20 years after the Brownsville Revival began (I can’t believe it’s been that long!) I can honestly say, and I think I could speak for many others, that for us Brownsville is where the line started.  We love the memories we have but of course the cry of our heart is still, “We’ve got to have more!”  We remember because it helps to fuel the fire in our hearts that we have only just begun to tap into the depths of God and what He wants to do on the earth.  So as we remember the legacy that Steve Hill leaves, with his passion for souls, His unwavering conviction to live each day for eternity, His uncompromising preaching of the Gospel, we also remember what God did in our lives during those days only to pour more fuel on the fire that was deposited in our hearts all those years ago.  May we never forget!  And may the fire in our hearts stir so we can help ignite the fire in those around us as we live each day in light of eternity!

Desperate to see the lost come to Jesus

Altar Call

PS: For anyone who would like to view the memorial service for Steve Hill you can view it on youtube at the following link Steve Hill Memorial Service

That Moment When Reality Hits

I have been in Israel for 2 weeks now.  This hardly makes me an expert at living overseas, adjusting to a new culture or anything of that nature but I did have a moment when reality hit me this week.  You know how you know something but you really don't KNOW it because you have experienced it yet?  That's been my week.

Most of you know that I became an incubus of viral plague in the middle of the week with some type of stomach virus.  I can honestly say that I don't recall ever being as sick as I was with that stomach virus.  I was up for almost 48 hours straight and literally moved into the bathroom the second night.  In the middle of the night that second night as I was dealing with all this pain I was struck with a real sense of reality.  When it hit it sounded something like this in my head, "Oh crap, I'm sick and I'm in a foreign country."  This means there are no 24 hour Walmarts, CVS' or Walgreens to get an OTC medicine to help relieve symptoms.  Nope.  Just me, the porcelain throne, the bathtub serving as a temporary bed and lots of prayers (I was told there were some 300 people praying for me after the prayer request was sent out to Frank and Carol's prayer partners, the Kehilat here, my facebook posts, etc). 

In between the more intense stomach pains and the less intense stomach pains I started to gain a new appreciation for what many of my friends and FI family have already experienced when they moved to the country with which God burdened their hearts.  I've never thought that this would be an easy walk... especially being in Israel and all the added dynamics I've been told (or warned?) about.  But there was an element, you know, that whole lack of experience thing that kept me from fully understanding the sacrifice it takes to be obedient to God.  I know that I will have to pay my dues and I have a lot of learning ahead of me but I can safely say that I have had a reality check.

So... back to that reality check.  As I am trying to just make it through until the next morning when I could get some medicine or maybe call a doctor I start to think about all the other servants of God serving on the foreign field that have experienced this same thing.  The comforts and conveniences of America were left behind for strange languages, strange medicines, and well, everything foreign.  Who knows what kind of medicine I'm taking.  The box is in Hebrew, Arabic and Russian.  I'm 0 for 3 on those languages.  But at least it came in a box which is more than other people could say in other nations!  Then the thought came to me that thank God I have an indoor bathroom with working plumbing (and that this didn't start 1 day before when the water to the village was shut off for pipe work with that announcement being made for several days by a guy driving around with a megaphone but if you don't understand the language it's easy to miss that memo).  I could be dealing with nothing but a hole in the ground or the floor. 

Then I went a little further and I began to think about all those who are currently in a jail somewhere being persecuted for their faith.  These people won't get medical treatment if they are sick, they won't have anything that could help ease their pain.  All they have is the prayers of the saints.  Reality check.  All this has made me appreciate all those people that I know who gave up the comforts of their home country, all that was familiar to them to serve a people in another country.  The next time I hear of a prayer request from one of them I will pray harder because now I have a little taste of what it feels like.  Albeit tiny, but that was enough.

I even had a greater understanding when I recently read one new mother venting because she wasn't able to get the things she really wanted to make her daughters first birthday as special as she wanted.  This wasn't anything earth shattering or life threatening but another reminder of daily picking up your cross to follow Him.  It's daily dying to your own desires to love the people He has sent you to even when they don't love you back.  Dealing with the frustration of not being able to read street signs, or store signs, or know how much you just paid for something at a grocery store (that was a grocery store right?).  Dealing with driving habits, or lack there of, and attitudes and cultural nuances that seem insane (why are the light switches on the outside of a room and why is there no plug socket in the bathroom?!).  Trying to find a new normal when there is NOTHING normal around you.  And yet, we continue to do it because we are compelled by a Love that is greater than us and because there joy in the midst of obedience even when it's difficult.  It truly is an amazing phenomenon that God does in our hearts isn't it? 

So far this experience has shown me how weak I am and how much I need the Lord.  It's a scarier feeling that I thought it would be however when I'm weak that is when He is strong.  I'm still in a relative comfort zone.  I'm with people I know who have been wonderful hosts who can take me around, explain certain things, go with me to stores, etc.  About a week from now when I head to Jerusalem that may not be the case and I will be shoved "out of the nest" so to speak.  But I'm determined.  Determined to continue pressing on and knowing that I will experience MANY more of these reality checks especially when I move here.  His grace is sufficient and so on we go because turning back isn't an option.  Those bridges were burned long ago with that one simple answer to His call, "Yes."

Bathtub bed... one day I'll laugh about this experience... I hope!

Medicine given by the pharmacy